Why Do I Feel Like “Losers” in the Eyes of Society?

Success. Such a big, shiny word. We hear it everywhere, on social media, in the expectations of family back home, in the way people ask, “So, what do you do?”.

For women living abroad, especially in our midlife, this word can feel even heavier. You may have left your country, started fresh, and faced cultural differences that shaped your journey in unexpected ways. And yet, when you compare your life to the “checklist” you grew up with, it’s easy to feel like you’ve fallen short.

“Did I get it wrong?”, “Why does everyone else seem settled?”, “Why do I still feel lost at this age?”

You’re not alone in asking these questions. Many women carry them silently.

The Weight of Society’s Checklist

From an early age, many of us are handed the same invisible list:

• Study, get a degree.

• Find a good job.

• Earn good money.

• Get married, raise children.

• Buy a house, keep climbing, keep smiling.

  
  

On paper, it looks neat. But for women who moved abroad, or whose lives simply unfolded differently or for us who have to start all over again, the list can feel suffocating.

Maybe your degree didn’t translate into a career in your new country. Maybe you prioritized family, caregiving, or survival instead of climbing the career ladder. Maybe you chose differently altogether.

And here’s the truth: there is no one “right” way to live. But because society keeps holding up the same checklist, we end up feeling like we’ve failed just because our story doesn’t match the script.

The Social Media Illusion

Living abroad can magnify this. You scroll and see friends or family back home hitting milestones: promotions, new homes, perfect-looking families. You see women your age “having it all.”

And there you are, maybe juggling a job you didn’t plan for, building a life from scratch in a foreign culture, or even starting over completely. It’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind.

But remember: social media is a highlight reel. No one posts their loneliness, doubts, or struggles with identity. And you’re not the only one who feels unsettled, many women your age are still quietly figuring it out.

Steps to Reclaim Your Own Definition of Success

1. Challenge the Illusion

Not everyone has it together. Careers change, marriages shift, identities evolve, especially for women living abroad. Behind closed doors, most people are just as uncertain as you are.

2. Ask What You Truly Want

Forget society’s list. Forget what “should” have happened by this age. Ask: What matters to me now?

Maybe it’s community. Maybe it’s peace of mind. Maybe it’s rediscovering a passion, art, writing, cooking, teaching, traveling. Success isn’t about ticking boxes; it’s about living a life that feels nourishing to you.

3. Own Your Story Without Shame

It’s okay if your career doesn’t match your degree. It's okay if you don't work at all. It’s okay if your marriage didn’t happen, or didn’t last. It’s okay if your path looks nothing like what others expected.

Say it with confidence:

• “I’m redefining what success looks like for me.”

• “My life doesn’t look traditional, but it’s mine.”

• “I’ve built resilience, courage, and stories no checklist could capture.”

That is not failure. That is strength.

4. Ask Who’s Calling You a “Loser”

That voice in your head, does it really belong to you? Or is it the echo of parents, society, culture, or old comparisons?

If you stop to notice, most people don’t actually care whether you’re living the “perfect” life (and if they do, are they the people in your 'successful life?). They care about your presence, your kindness, your energy. You are valued for who you are, not for what boxes you’ve ticked.

In the end of the day no one think about you as much as you do...

5. Define Success on Your Terms

Grab a notebook. Write it down. What does your version of success look like at this stage of life? Is it:

• Freedom?

• Stability?

• Self-expression?

• evolving, learning, expanding?

• Health and peace?

• Deep connections?

Once you define it, you free yourself from society’s borrowed measures.

Final Thought

You are not a loser for living a different story than the one you were told to follow. You are a woman who’s had the courage to step outside comfort zones, to live abroad, to start fresh in midlife, things many people would never dare to do.

Success isn’t about checking society’s boxes. It’s about creating a life that feels like home inside your own skin, no matter where in the world you are.

At HerEdge, we strive to connect ladies on the Côte d’Azur through learning and joy. With us, you are never alone.

Your brain will thank you.

 Mette Theilmann Founder of HerEdge Cote d’Azur Club sign up for for weekly event email