Making Friends as Adults When Living Abroad

Finding Your Tribe, Not Just “Fitting In”

Moving abroad as an adult is a brave and beautiful adventure, but it can also be unexpectedly lonely. We leave behind long-standing friendships, familiar communities, and effortless connection. Suddenly, we’re in a place where no one knows us, and we begin the journey of creating a new support system from the ground up.

This blog dives into the emotional reality of making friends as an adult expat and how we can move from simply “fitting in” to truly belonging.

The Challenge of Starting Over

Friendship in adulthood doesn’t unfold like it did when we were children. There’s no playground, no homeroom, no after-school hangouts waiting for us. As expats, we face:

• unfamiliar cultures

• new languages

• social norms we haven’t learned yet

• and an absence of built-in community

Finding new friends becomes a conscious act, one that requires openness, courage, and patience.

Trying Different Groups: The Reality of Expat Life

Most people who live abroad try many different activities and social spaces before finding “their people”:

• workshops

• women’s circles

• language exchanges

• fitness classes

• creative meetups

• expat gatherings

• If you have children, other mums and dads at the drop and pick up

Some experiences feel great.

Some feel awkward.

Some leave us feel even more lonely since just don’t feel we ‘fit in’.

Fitting In vs. Belonging

When we’re new somewhere, it’s easy to focus on “fitting in” - adjusting ourselves to be liked or accepted. But there’s a huge difference between the two:

Fitting in

You change who you are to be accepted.

Belonging

You are accepted simply by being yourself.

Belonging feels safe.

Fitting in can feel exhausting.

So how do we know the difference - and recognise when our heart say 'you belong'?

The Before–During–After Method: Your body communicates clearly; you just have to listen. This simple technique helps you understand whether a group or person is a true space of belonging for you.

1. Before: How Do You Feel as You Prepare to Go?

Ask yourself:

• Am I relaxed?

• Curious?

• Gently excited?

• Or am I tense, hesitant, rehearsing what I’ll say?

Belonging begins with ease and safety, not performance anxiety.

2. During: How Do You Feel When You’re With Them?

Tune into your body:

• Do you feel safe?

• Free to speak naturally?

• Accepted as you are?

Or…

• Are you monitoring every word?

• Worried about being “too much” or “not enough”?

• Trying to get everything “right”?

Belonging is soft. Fitting in is tight and exhausting

3. After: How Do You Feel When You Leave?

This is the clearest indicator.

• Do you feel light, energized, happy?

• Do you feel more like yourself than before?

Or…

• Do you replay conversations?

• Worry you didn’t measure up?

• Feel drained or insecure?

Belonging nourishes. Fitting in depletes.

Finding Your Tribe Abroad Takes Time

Building community abroad is a journey of:

• Showing up: If we stay at home feeling lonely, we simply won’t meet new people — friendships can only grow when we give them the chance to. Showing up might feel daunting at first, but trust yourself. Remind yourself of the friends you already have in other places; you’ve built meaningful connections before, and you can absolutely do it again.

• Trying again: maybe first time was a bit awkward, but sometimes give it a few goes before you decide that truly this is not for you.

• Being curious: You may come across groups or meet people you wouldn’t normally spend time with - but perhaps this is your chance to stretch a little, explore something new, and stay open to different cultures, personalities, and activities. Curiosity can lead us to unexpected friendships and adventures. We never know what’s waiting for us unless we give it a try. letting yourself be seen

• Being patient with the process: It’s completely normal to want meaningful connections right now, but sometimes the best things truly do take time. Trust the journey you’re on, the right people, your tribe, will come into your life when the timing aligns. Patience creates space for genuine, lasting connections to grow.

Your tribe or people won’t require you to shrink or stretch. They will simply feel like home.

If You’re Still Struggling to Connect… A Gentle Invitation

Sometimes the barrier to connection isn’t the environment, it’s the stories we carry about ourselves:

• “I’m too shy.”

• “I’m not interesting enough.”

• “I always say the wrong thing.”

• “People won’t like me.”

• “I’m not good enough.”

If these inner voices feel familiar, you are not alone.

As a Narrative Therapist, I encourage you to explore these tender questions:

• Where did these beliefs come from?

• Who first wrote these stories about me? Teachers, parents, partners, friends or society?

·       Are these beliefs really true or are they simply inherited stories passed down by others?

Maybe you were once told things like “Emma is so shy and struggles to make friends” or “Peter is always quiet in a group.” But perhaps those stories no longer belong to you. Living abroad offers a powerful opportunity to rewrite your narrative — to let go of old labels that no longer serve you and choose new ones that support the person you are becoming.

• Do they still deserve space in my life?

  
  

Because here’s the empowering truth: You are the author of your own life. And you hold the pen.

If you need support rewriting the stories that hold you back:

👉 Click here for guidance and 1:1 support on becoming the author of your own life.

Closing Thoughts

Belonging abroad doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. Keep showing up. Keep exploring. Keep honouring who you are.

Your people exist. Your place exists. Your belonging exists.

And it is waiting for you.

Mette Theilmann Narrative Therapist and Parenting Consultant