"If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it."
It’s a common saying, one that makes perfect sense. But let’s face it: we don’t always follow this advice. We’ve all found ourselves in situations where we’ve said something about someone else that wasn’t exactly glowing. And we’ve also been on the receiving end of stories or rumours about people who weren’t there to defend themselves.
So why do we gossip, and can it ever be good for us, serve us well?
What is Gossip?
Typically, it is defined as talking about people who aren’t present, often sharing details that haven’t been confirmed as true. It’s casual, unconstrained conversation that often delves into the personal or private lives of others. Gossip can also involves sharing information that we feel a need to judge, criticize, or comment on.
Why get involved in this kind of gossip?
Self-Esteem: Sometimes, talking about other negatively makes us feel better about ourselves, especially if we struggle with our own self-worth. This is however a short-lived experience and not one that serves us well.
Power and Influence: Gossip can be a tool to sway opinions, gain allies, or isolate those who don’t fit in or we don’t like.
Jealousy: Often, we do this kind of gossip about people we’re envious of. It’s a way to undermine their achievements or to feel better about our own situation.
Effect brain Activity: Research has shown that when people hear negative gossip, the reward centre in the brain—is activated, suggesting that people find such gossip amusing or entertaining, even addictive and rewarding and hence encourage those around them to get involved.
I believe that individuals often focus on others out of boredom, particularly those whose lives appear more enjoyable or fulfilling than their own. For instance, I grew up in a small village where an elderly woman would observe her neighbours and relay information about their whereabouts and behaviour. Given the lack of activity in her own life, her primary engagement seemed to revolve around gossip.
How Does this kind of Gossip Affect Us?
Gossip doesn’t just impact the subject of the conversation; it also affects the gossipers themselves. Our brains respond differently to various types of gossip:
• It can lead to anxiety, stress, and a feeling of betrayal: When exposed to gossip about self in groups, gossip can have a negative effect on our self-conscious, lead to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, stress and depression. No one like to be the subject of gossip, particular if we have not earned it. Basically, it is bullying – social exclusion.
• Bad Karma: Speaking ill of others, especially when they’re not present, can create a negative energy that might come back to haunt us. It’s a form of bad karma that can affect our own well-being. Plus, deep down we know it is wrong and we start to feel bad about self and our actions and behaviours.
• Loss of Trust: When we gossip, the person we’re talking to might start to wonder if we’d speak about them the same way when they’re not around. This can erode trust and damage relationships.
The Origins of Gossip
But where did it all start: the word “gossip” has its roots in the Old English term “godsibb” — a combination of “god” and “sibb,” (marking a kinship, relationship - the sibb is the same root as in sibling).
Referring to the godparents of one’s child or the parents of one’s godchild, meaning a close friend chosen to be a godparent to one’s children.
It was also a term for close friends originated from the tradition of women gathering in the bedroom during childbirth, a social event attended exclusively by women. As they waited and supported each other, they engaged in what we now call gossip.
It also served as a community newsletter. As women gathered together, they shared vital information that helped them stay safe and navigate their world. They’d warn each other about a man who tended to get too close to young women, so he was best avoided. Or they’d spread the word about a woman who couldn’t be trusted because she would tell her husband everything, and he would spread it throughout the community. In this way, gossip became a means of protecting and supporting one another, creating a network of caution and care.
Over time, the word came to represent this type of talk about others.
Can Gossip Be Good for Us?
So, if we are to use gossip as it was intended to be used can it actually serve us well?
Yes surprisingly, gossip can have some positive effects: Gossiping isn’t always malicious. It’s a complex social behaviour that can serve several purposes:
From a psychological perspective, discussing someone else's issues or shortcomings can provide temporary relief by alleviating the pressure of our own concerns. This shift in focus can help us process our emotions, stress, and worries, and in some cases, positively impact our mental well-being. Additionally, when we have concerns about another person's behaviour or feel intimidated by them, expressing these feelings can be a constructive way to address and work through the situation. Verbalizing our concerns allows us to process the issue, develop problem-solving strategies, and foster a sense of shared experience, helping us feel less isolated in our thoughts and emotions. However, when such discussions become malicious or overly critical, they can have a detrimental effect on our well-being.
Bonding, sharing, and entertainment: Discussing others can foster connections and create social bonds with like-minded individuals. It provides a platform for sharing values, opinions on right and wrong, and areas of agreement or disagreement. In some cases, it serves as a form of humour, helping to diffuse tension and lighten the atmosphere, making it an enjoyable social activity. Moreover, in large social networks, it is impossible to be personally informed about everyone but gossip can function as a way to gather information about people and events we cannot directly observe, aiding in navigating complex social dynamics.
Cultural and Personal Learning: Gossip can serve as a tool for learning about others' lives, their activities, and current circumstances. Discussing public figures, such as politicians or celebrities, can also help us stay informed about the broader social landscape. Research shows that gossip stimulates activity in the brain's prefrontal cortex, which plays a role in understanding and interpreting complex social behaviours. As such, it can facilitate social learning without the need for direct interaction, offering insight into societal norms and acceptable conduct. For instance, if someone in a community is known for dishonest behaviour and this becomes a topic of discussion, the collective disapproval can act as a deterrent, discouraging similar actions by others.
Protection: Gossip can function as a social warning system, helping us identify individuals who may pose a threat to our well-being or that of our social group, while also indicating whom we can trust. For example, I recently received a caution about an individual known for sharing personal information indiscriminately. In this way, gossip serves as a protective mechanism, alerting us to potential risks within our social circle, much like an informal community newsletter.
Moral Regulation: When people hear that their actions are being criticized, it can make them reflect on their behaviour and possibly change it. In this way, gossip can help maintain social norms and moral standards.
So, Is Gossip Good or Bad?
Like many aspects of human behaviour, gossip isn’t black and white.
It can be both helpful and harmful, depending on how it’s used. The key is to be mindful of why we’re gossiping and the potential impact of our words.
Before sharing that juicy information, it’s worth asking ourselves: Is this helpful? Is it kind? Is it necessary? WHY we do that. Do we NEED to do it and will it serve us and others well or is it pure ‘new fashion gossip’
Ultimately, gossip is a reflection of our need to connect with others and understand our social world. It’s a part of being human. But with a little awareness and intention, we can choose to use our words in a way that builds others, and self, up, rather than tearing them down.
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